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Expressing Desires by Andie Cross

SPICE GIRLS Promotional photo of UK pop girl group about 1996. Image shot 1996. Exact date unknown.

So tell me what you want, what you really, really want.

As most people who’ve been alive for the last twenty years can tell you, the next line to the Spice Girls’ most recognizable song “Wannabe” is “I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want.” In 1996, the British girl group sang an entire song about the importance of expressing desires, including sexual desires, without anyone realizing it, as the catchiest parts of the song were a sweet refrain on friendship and the funny sounds of “zig-a-zig-ah.”

 

The rap from “Wannabe” details the sexual preferences of some of the Spice Girls:

 

So, here’s a story from A to Z

You wanna get with me, you gotta listen carefully

We got Em in the place who likes it in your face

You got G like MC who likes it on an

Easy V doesn’t come for free, she’s a real lady

And as for me, ha you’ll see

 

As Cosmo reported in 2015, the line about G and MC refers to Geri and Mel C. preferring sex while on ecstasy, but the more important line is about Emma. This was a chart-topping pop single that has a woman (Em) explaining exactly what she wants from sex (in your face).

 

Everyone in the English-speaking world has listened to, sung, or been tormented by this song in their heads on repeat at one point or another. This song is about what a woman wants from her partner – to forget her past, to get his act together, to be friends with her friends – then she goes on to ask if he can handle that. She gives her desires a voice in order to make sure she’s satisfied with the relationship.

 

While it might be a silly pop song, it has a good point. In order for anyone to embark on a serious relationship with a partner, the couple needs to discuss what each one wants from the relationship, sexual or otherwise. Without discussing desires, there is a rut that a couple can fall into, resulting from three innocuous words: “I don’t know.”

 

This is the classic dinner conversation, at least in my house. “What do you want for dinner?” “I don’t know, what do you want?” And in the end, we always end up going to Applebee’s. There’s nothing inherently wrong with Applebee’s, and usually we both enjoy it, but sometimes I want something else and nothing on that menu satisfies my cravings. In the context of sex, this is a habit a couple might fall into if both individuals are afraid to discuss their needs and desires, settling for the same routine. With this, there’s a risk that one or both partners will end the evening feeling unsatisfied, which can lead to discontent with the entire relationship.

 

The cause of the “I don’t know” problem can stem from either the fear of expressing oneself or the desire to keep one’s partner happy. If one partner stays silent and bends to the desires of the other, burying his or her feelings in favor of their partner’s, the relationship will become one-sided and the power dynamic will become unbalanced. If both partners fail to express their desires and simply stick with the same old routine, the relationship will fall flat, with neither partner truly getting what they want, but believing they’re doing what the other needs.

 

In the same way that you would broach the subject of a new cut at your hairstylist’s, tell your partner what you want. While it may take some courage to express your desires, it can have astounding results. If you want to try a new position, a new toy, or even experiment with something entirely new, speak up. Be bold. You’ll never have the chance to get what you want if you don’t ask for it. Without speaking up, you’ll end up across the table from your partner at Applebee’s every Saturday night for the next twenty years. You may not be unhappy, but you probably won’t be satisfied.

 

Think about things in your relationship you’ve always wanted but have been too afraid to ask for. Then tell your partner what you want, what you really, really want.

Authentically Getting the Sex, You Want

Getting the sex that you want takes work!

What are some of the things that keep us from “Becoming Our Authentic Sexual Selves?” Do we even know what that phrase really means? I think we all struggle with knowing what it means to be our “authentic sexual self.” I can pretty much safely assume that; we all want to be desired, we all want great sex, we all want a partner that “gets us” that we feel connected to during sex and of course we all hope to feel pleasure while having sex. I believe that most of us can probably agree that the above elements make up a lot of what we are looking for in our sexual experiences.


The problem is, the experience typically falls short of our expectations. Why do you suppose? Well, let’s start with what we know about ourselves by asking these simple questions and writing down our answers.


How confident are you with your physical appearance? What do you say to yourself daily about your physical appearance when you look in the mirror? How about in the bedroom naked with your partner? Lights on…or do you need them off to feel comfortable?


Ladies, its mid-day you are in a heated make-out session with your partner who spreads your legs open to go down, what are your immediate thoughts? OPPS too late he/she is already there, what ideas are now running rampant in your head? Be honest and jot your answers down.


Fellas, you are with the woman you have fantasized a thousand different ways, and she wants you! You notice the room is a bit chilly, but she is coming on strong, heavy petting begins, and after much foreplay, she tells you she wants you! Y’all begin to “go at it.” WHAT are the thoughts that start to run through your brain during the act of sexual intercourse?


If any of your answers do not include something or a variation along these lines;
I love the way he/she wants to be with me. His/her desire to touch my body makes me feel so amazing inside. I love the way his/her skin feels against mine.
It feels so incredible and is so amazing to watch him/her going down on me seeing how much he/she loves to pleasure me.
Lastly for the fellas, god it feels so incredible to be inside her, to touch her finally, I am glad she let me inside of her, she is so soft, sensual.


The above italics are examples of the mindset of “getting the sex you want” along with the beginning steps to recognizing your authentic sexual self because you are at the moment focusing on your pleasure, what you like, and desire as I mentioned in the opening paragraph. I can safely assume 99.9% that read and quickly jotted down answers found the answers were probably made up of more “concerns.” Concerns that kind of prevent and are counterproductive to “becoming your authentic sexual self” and getting the sexual experiences you truly want. Concerns that are very normal that we all have that become a distraction from being in the moment. A majority of these concerns all come down variations of one question, “am I normal”; “Is my body normal do I smell normal, do I taste normal, is my penis normal, is my performance normal (was I enough)?”

So how do we get out of her heads and into the moment to begin to understand everything we want from our sexual encounters? We first need to be honest about what matters most to us during our experience, what we like and enjoy and the only way to know that is to “learn you” and “learn your partner” through open communication and explore! I have provided blog and video links below from Betty Dodson & Carlin Ross that can help you begin to explore a bit more and bring your concerns into focus. Check out the site as well it is a wealth of information that can indeed be beneficial to you and your partner.

Going Inward Video Click Here with Betty Dodson & Carlin Ross

Overcoming Pleasure Anxiety with Betty Dodson & Carlin Ross

How Do You Get Comfortable Having Sex When Battling Erection Issues? By Betty Dodson

How Can I Learn Come Control? with Betty Dodson & Carlin Ross

 

GOT SEX GOALS?

Allow yourself to be creative & playful on your sexual journey!

BECOMING YOUR AUTHENTIC SEXUAL SELF. These words are in bold because you came to this blog, or the Becoming Your Authentic Sexual Self program for a reason. I’m going to ask you to go back and read the bold words again but this time, take notice; when you read the bold letters on the screen, what does your mind chatter say to you? What feelings begin to arise? How does your body feel in that moment while reading the phrase? Do you notice an energy shift in your mood? Lastly, do an internal check-in. How does your core essence respond?
In the “Becoming Your Authentic Sexual Self” program we call feelings “emotional charges”. I’m going to ask you to pay close attention to your feelings as you read that phrase. Do you feel excitement, shame, guilt, curiosity, or simply nothing at all? How does your body respond? Do you feel your body tighten? Do you feel turned on at the thought of letting loose and becoming one hundred percent yourself; mentally, physically, spiritually and SEXUALLY? Most people work on taking positive steps toward self-growth and development mentally, physically, and spiritually but how often do we work on our sexuality? We work on our bodies, we work to stay fit. We work on career goals that we believe will bring us financial freedom and happiness. We also work on relationship goals and give ourselves timelines as to when we wish to see these goals come into fruition. However, how many people do you ever hear setting out to work on their “sexual goals” and taking the necessary steps to set them in motion? Honestly, how many of us even know what it means to set “sexual goals” for ourselves?
How many of us truly know our bodies enough to know what we find pleasurable? How many of us explore this daily as much as we do with our nutrition, fitness, career, and relationship goals? How many of us would even know where to begin in doing so?
I’m willing to assume a large majority of people have not yet taken an active role in their “sexual story” and its positive development, aside from masturbating for quick release and going through the motions of the “act” of sex.
In the first couple “Becoming Your Authentic Sexual Self” blog posts I have been working through Jack Annons PLISSIT model used by many Sexologists. Participants in the “Becoming Your Authentic Sexual Self” program have worked through Principle One of the B.Y.A.S.S. Program, Love and Know Thyself. Although most of you reading this are not Sexologists, the blog posts you find here along with the B.Y.A.S.S program can be used as self-guide in a “non-clinical” manner to help you work towards your body image & sex goals. Our Second Principle is Knowing Your Worth & Purpose. In Annon’s model, the (P) for permission says to me: You are worthy of enjoying sexual pleasure, your BODY is worthy of love, adoration, pleasurable sensation at any size, you can explore this pleasure and, most importantly, YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE for your pleasure, your orgasm. Your orgasm comes from allowing yourself to experience it. The (LI) varies from person to person but for myself, I based my worth and my value on the numbers on the scale for many years. In my negative mind chatter, I was not “worthy” of sexual pleasure until I weighed a certain weight and looked a certain way.
This, of course, hurt a lot of my relationships and did not allow me to always enjoy sex. Sex, relationships, and connections are a huge part of our human experience. How can we become whole beings if we choose to ignore and shame one facet of our existence? Most people believe that everyone walking this earth has a purpose. Hopefully, we can recognize our purpose and act for the greater good of humanity. So HOW can we be fully serving this purpose by not KNOWING all of ourselves and blocking out aspects of our humanity, because we have been indoctrinated into a culture that shames humanity for its very conception?

If you are here, you want to change that. You want to reframe the perception and honor your whole being. Here are two suggestions for this week to help get you started. These two can be done at the same time or broken up:
Mirror & Sensual touch exercise- for a couple minutes each day, stand naked in front of a mirror. Have some oil or lotion on hand for your body and lube ready for #2. Examine your body, begin from your head working your way down, and verbally tell each part of the body how much you love it. You can even add how hot or sexy it is, then express why you are appreciative of that area and say thank you. Example: I love my hair. For the first time in years, I have no hair dye on it and I love the way it looks in its natural state. Thank you for allowing me to do so many fun styles that go with my ever-changing moods (lol). When done with your body admiration exercise, grab your oil/lotion and begin to apply it to your body, taking your time to massage it into your skin. Play around with your touch from gentle to applying more pressure. Begin to focus on your more sensitive areas, where you are feeling more pleasure and arousal.

     Daily masturbation practice for one week- this is important on so many levels. First being that if you’re female, you probably have been told a slew of reasons to avoid self-pleasure or to “keep your legs crossed”. For males, it’s typically done for quick release and not to really learn extended techniques to prolong pleasure or how to have multiple orgasms. To break the mental, body, shame, and rushed mentalities this exercise is to be done not quickly but with mindful attention, like meditation. It would be easiest to be done directly after exercise 1. For women, doing both exercises in conjunction can help with allowing time for appreciation of the entire body, connecting mind and body with her pussy as PART of her body, a very real part that has no reason for shame. The more she becomes comfortable with touching herself, the more she will open up sexually. For a man, slowing down during masturbation, incorporating more overall body touch, sensation play, and body appreciation can help with being more present during masturbation as well as partnered sex by becoming aware of the stages in his “arousal” cycle prior to orgasm.
The point here is that there is no better time to begin your sexual journey than now. Constructing your very own road map and actively seeking out the tools that will help guide you on an adventurous path while traveling through life is very important. BUT, you must give yourself permission, ditch limiting beliefs that are not conducive of your soul’s entire growth and its development. You must be open to explore pleasure within boundaries you set for yourself. It’s very much the same as if you were to start a nutrition and fitness program but with a sexy twist!

(LI) Limited Information History vs Herstory Reclaiming Your Goddess Heritage

(LI) Limited Information
History vs Herstory
Reclaiming Your Goddess Heritage

Most of us that have grown up in the Western World have been indoctrinated with popular Western World philosophies and religious beliefs. This blog post is in no way, shape, or form being written to sway you from your current religious system or set of beliefs. My only intent with this post is to provide you with some insight as to where the world was prior to the development of those religious systems. Why? Well, because it has everything to do with the modern woman’s story. Her-story: how we were raised in this world, how we navigate through the world of today, and what our goddess spirit intuitively knows.
The last blog post I did was entitled “(P) is for Permission”. In it, we explored giving yourself permission to love yourself and allowing pleasure into your lives. The (LI) in this post stands for “limited information”, referencing the PLISSIT model of sex therapy created in 1976 by Jack S. Annon. PLISSIT is a modeling system used in sexology. I am using it for our initial blog posts because I think it is important that, within this program, we can clearly define to ourselves steps that we can use to move towards our overall goals from a knowledge standpoint, and to be able to “define” where we are starting from and where we are going throughout this program.

I am addressing LI here in this post as a “group” whole for women. Research has proven that our DNA has memory. As you read below, I want you to ask yourself what your DNA memory may hold as a truth for you, a woman. I challenge you to investigate a bit further by reading some of the works by the suggested Her-story authors that provide evidence and fact-based material on the female matriarchal story.
*(Human Transgenerational Responses (TGRs) in humans is a defined exposure in one generation producing a measurable outcome in the next, unexposed generation(s). The nature of the transgenerational signaling in humans is unknown, but epigenetic inheritance is one candidate.) https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007%2F978-3-642-23380-7_12
Linda E. Savage, Ph.D. and author of the book “Reclaiming Goddess Sexuality” writes that we need to look at female sexuality from an entirely female point of view. She gives evidence of this need by giving examples of how modern book and magazine titles focus on our overall consciousness on “how to please our man or we may lose him” mindset, so that we as women know how to play the “sex kitten” 365 days of the year.
While I agree with the need to look at female sexuality from a female point of view, I’m hesitant to say from a “modern” feminine view point. You see, the catch is that these books and materials aren’t selling by the millions because men are requesting their women to purchase them, BUT because modern women are feeling broken in their bodies and sexuality, so they are looking for a cure all and don’t know where to find it based on the limited information we have been given.

Let’s face it. When a young girl becomes aware she is developing, in our society she is also aware of the social stigmas attached to her feminine form. She has access to all different mainstream info that hypersexualizes the female form yet is given contradictory “sex negative” information as well. Young girls are not allowed to wear tank tops or dresses with straps less than 1 inch thick in most public schools, they are told to sit with their legs crossed, and in my daughter’s junior high school the girls are not allowed to wear yoga pants because they are “too form fitting” and could be a distraction for boys. Girls are told not to walk alone, which also explains why it is in our second nature in our 20’s to grab a friend to go to the bathroom with us. We go “in pairs” when at a bar or clubs, a common joke upon young men. They don’t get it. Boys/men are simply not given the same information growing up. Young women are told a man will not value her if she chooses to sleep with him too soon. Young women are told that if they sleep with a man before marriage he will not marry her. “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free”. If a woman enjoys sex and has multiple partners, she is labeled a slut by society and she sometimes takes on that persona and the shame that comes with it with in our culture.
My point here is we have been given limited information (LI) that tells us one thing; that our bodies are the source of temptation, sin, guilt and shame and that if we behave, dress, speak, and act a certain way, basically censoring our bodies and our sexuality, then we are of value to society. Yet intuitively, as women, we are feeling the very gap in spirit… DNA memory (I believe) that Linda sheds light on within the pages of her book, in which she does some wonderful comparisons of how a modern woman can be conditioned to feel and think vs. an ancient woman from a matriarchal society of the past.

The evidence of modern women feeling this void is in the SALES of books, magazines, the entire beauty & fashion industry, and the sex toy industry! There is a HUGE profit to be gained in a patriarchal society by the brokenness of a woman’s spirit. Most women I have spoken to feel intuitively there is a lie somewhere that has been told to us.

There are many great her-storians; Barbara G Walker, author of “Restoring the Goddess” and “The Women’s Encyclopedia of Myths and Secrets”. Merlin Stone, author of “When God Was a Woman”. These authors bring to the surface truths within history/herstory that were buried & burned during the Inquisition that began in the 12th century and was finally abolished in the 19th century. Prior to the Inquisition, ancient matriarchal cultures that once dominated the earth held that men and women were equal, while women owned all property, children took the mothers name, sex was celebrated, and prostitutes resided in temples and were revered as high priestesses that could bring men closer to divinity.  Sex was literally part of ritual and a huge part of their spiritual culture.

I did not find acceptance with my body, my sexuality, until I learned that there was so much more to the story than what I was told. The one where a female was responsible for the fall of man, that man was tempted by her and another man had to die for all the sin that she created by tempting that man. I was not able to give myself permission (P) to be who I am now until I learned of the TRUE, creative power of women and the fear associated with Her. It wasn’t until I took matters into my own hands, researching, learning, that for thousands upon thousands of years prior to these stories there was another story that reined far longer, for centuries, beginning with the Stone Age, globally. That’s when it all made perfect sense to me.  That feeling I had inside of me that I knew was in my DNA, my genetic memory speaking to me. I was very powerful as a woman. Feared as a woman, contained because I was a woman, craved because I was a woman, loved uncontrollably because I was a woman.  I became free from my own chains once I received more information on my very own “herstory” as a woman.