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Expressing Desires by Andie Cross

SPICE GIRLS Promotional photo of UK pop girl group about 1996. Image shot 1996. Exact date unknown.

So tell me what you want, what you really, really want.

As most people who’ve been alive for the last twenty years can tell you, the next line to the Spice Girls’ most recognizable song “Wannabe” is “I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want.” In 1996, the British girl group sang an entire song about the importance of expressing desires, including sexual desires, without anyone realizing it, as the catchiest parts of the song were a sweet refrain on friendship and the funny sounds of “zig-a-zig-ah.”

 

The rap from “Wannabe” details the sexual preferences of some of the Spice Girls:

 

So, here’s a story from A to Z

You wanna get with me, you gotta listen carefully

We got Em in the place who likes it in your face

You got G like MC who likes it on an

Easy V doesn’t come for free, she’s a real lady

And as for me, ha you’ll see

 

As Cosmo reported in 2015, the line about G and MC refers to Geri and Mel C. preferring sex while on ecstasy, but the more important line is about Emma. This was a chart-topping pop single that has a woman (Em) explaining exactly what she wants from sex (in your face).

 

Everyone in the English-speaking world has listened to, sung, or been tormented by this song in their heads on repeat at one point or another. This song is about what a woman wants from her partner – to forget her past, to get his act together, to be friends with her friends – then she goes on to ask if he can handle that. She gives her desires a voice in order to make sure she’s satisfied with the relationship.

 

While it might be a silly pop song, it has a good point. In order for anyone to embark on a serious relationship with a partner, the couple needs to discuss what each one wants from the relationship, sexual or otherwise. Without discussing desires, there is a rut that a couple can fall into, resulting from three innocuous words: “I don’t know.”

 

This is the classic dinner conversation, at least in my house. “What do you want for dinner?” “I don’t know, what do you want?” And in the end, we always end up going to Applebee’s. There’s nothing inherently wrong with Applebee’s, and usually we both enjoy it, but sometimes I want something else and nothing on that menu satisfies my cravings. In the context of sex, this is a habit a couple might fall into if both individuals are afraid to discuss their needs and desires, settling for the same routine. With this, there’s a risk that one or both partners will end the evening feeling unsatisfied, which can lead to discontent with the entire relationship.

 

The cause of the “I don’t know” problem can stem from either the fear of expressing oneself or the desire to keep one’s partner happy. If one partner stays silent and bends to the desires of the other, burying his or her feelings in favor of their partner’s, the relationship will become one-sided and the power dynamic will become unbalanced. If both partners fail to express their desires and simply stick with the same old routine, the relationship will fall flat, with neither partner truly getting what they want, but believing they’re doing what the other needs.

 

In the same way that you would broach the subject of a new cut at your hairstylist’s, tell your partner what you want. While it may take some courage to express your desires, it can have astounding results. If you want to try a new position, a new toy, or even experiment with something entirely new, speak up. Be bold. You’ll never have the chance to get what you want if you don’t ask for it. Without speaking up, you’ll end up across the table from your partner at Applebee’s every Saturday night for the next twenty years. You may not be unhappy, but you probably won’t be satisfied.

 

Think about things in your relationship you’ve always wanted but have been too afraid to ask for. Then tell your partner what you want, what you really, really want.

Authentically Getting the Sex, You Want

Getting the sex that you want takes work!

What are some of the things that keep us from “Becoming Our Authentic Sexual Selves?” Do we even know what that phrase really means? I think we all struggle with knowing what it means to be our “authentic sexual self.” I can pretty much safely assume that; we all want to be desired, we all want great sex, we all want a partner that “gets us” that we feel connected to during sex and of course we all hope to feel pleasure while having sex. I believe that most of us can probably agree that the above elements make up a lot of what we are looking for in our sexual experiences.


The problem is, the experience typically falls short of our expectations. Why do you suppose? Well, let’s start with what we know about ourselves by asking these simple questions and writing down our answers.


How confident are you with your physical appearance? What do you say to yourself daily about your physical appearance when you look in the mirror? How about in the bedroom naked with your partner? Lights on…or do you need them off to feel comfortable?


Ladies, its mid-day you are in a heated make-out session with your partner who spreads your legs open to go down, what are your immediate thoughts? OPPS too late he/she is already there, what ideas are now running rampant in your head? Be honest and jot your answers down.


Fellas, you are with the woman you have fantasized a thousand different ways, and she wants you! You notice the room is a bit chilly, but she is coming on strong, heavy petting begins, and after much foreplay, she tells you she wants you! Y’all begin to “go at it.” WHAT are the thoughts that start to run through your brain during the act of sexual intercourse?


If any of your answers do not include something or a variation along these lines;
I love the way he/she wants to be with me. His/her desire to touch my body makes me feel so amazing inside. I love the way his/her skin feels against mine.
It feels so incredible and is so amazing to watch him/her going down on me seeing how much he/she loves to pleasure me.
Lastly for the fellas, god it feels so incredible to be inside her, to touch her finally, I am glad she let me inside of her, she is so soft, sensual.


The above italics are examples of the mindset of “getting the sex you want” along with the beginning steps to recognizing your authentic sexual self because you are at the moment focusing on your pleasure, what you like, and desire as I mentioned in the opening paragraph. I can safely assume 99.9% that read and quickly jotted down answers found the answers were probably made up of more “concerns.” Concerns that kind of prevent and are counterproductive to “becoming your authentic sexual self” and getting the sexual experiences you truly want. Concerns that are very normal that we all have that become a distraction from being in the moment. A majority of these concerns all come down variations of one question, “am I normal”; “Is my body normal do I smell normal, do I taste normal, is my penis normal, is my performance normal (was I enough)?”

So how do we get out of her heads and into the moment to begin to understand everything we want from our sexual encounters? We first need to be honest about what matters most to us during our experience, what we like and enjoy and the only way to know that is to “learn you” and “learn your partner” through open communication and explore! I have provided blog and video links below from Betty Dodson & Carlin Ross that can help you begin to explore a bit more and bring your concerns into focus. Check out the site as well it is a wealth of information that can indeed be beneficial to you and your partner.

Going Inward Video Click Here with Betty Dodson & Carlin Ross

Overcoming Pleasure Anxiety with Betty Dodson & Carlin Ross

How Do You Get Comfortable Having Sex When Battling Erection Issues? By Betty Dodson

How Can I Learn Come Control? with Betty Dodson & Carlin Ross

 

Discovering Your Differences by Joslyn Nerdahl

Discovering Your Differences by Joslyn Nerdahl
www.mojomediator.com
IG: mojomediator
Twitter: @mojomediator

One of my sexologist idols, Marty Klein Ph.D, says “Sex isn’t just an activity—it’s an idea”. This concept is really mind blowing if you think about it. Sex is an IDEA. So what does that mean, exactly? It means, whether you realize it or not, you have a belief about the way sex should be. A tidy mental box for all the sexy activities to fit into, everything outside of which cannot be labeled appropriate sex. Now to be clear before we go any further, I am not speaking to any activities that involve minors or non-consensual acts. We proceed assuming you are committed as we are, to the SSC code; Safer, Sane and Consensual.

I have found there is a common belief amongst many of us when it comes to sexuality; that sex is a fixed state as opposed to a fluid one. Somewhere along the way we picked up messages from our families, friends, communities of faith or even media, that told us what our sexual relationships should look like. We began cultivating an IDEA about how sex is supposed to be. The problem with this, is that there is not just one way to have sex, to be sexual or to experience your sexuality. Despite what you were brought up to believe, I am here to tell you what every other clinical sexologist I know would tell you…that as long as whatever is taking place is happening between two (or more) consenting adults, there is no right or wrong way to have sex. Just like there is no right or wrong way to be male or female, to be a parent/caregiver, accordingly there is no right or wrong way to discover who you are sexually. There may be choices that propel you forward or keep you stunted, it is possible you have more opportunity to achieve fulfillment and satisfaction based on your family’s influence, your willingness to learn, and your ability to identify what you desire in life. The same can be said for your growth in the bedroom. The same key elements that make for a successful life can be applied to your sexuality.

Too many of us have accepted mediocre results with our orgasm, our partner, our sexual appetites. If you are satisfied with having the same kind of sex with the same person in the same way at the same time, by all means, keep doing what works for you. But if you are someone who is not feeling satisfied, someone who has a sexual appetite that has yet to be satiated despite having multiple partners, or encounters, then read on my sexy friend.

Sex is meant to be engaging, authentic, varied and real. Sex can be many things at one time; at times thrilling and exciting, other times sacred and other times just pure sexy giggly fun. Assuming you are already with partners who respect and arouse you, there are three components to amping up the erotic in your life we will focus on here:
1) Curiosity 2) Exploration 3) Willingness to Learn.
Curiosity is first because without it the other two elements fall flat on their heads. Without curiosity, we lose the impulse to take action. We lose the desire to explore. We lose the motivation to follow through. Curiosity can be applied to more than just our attitudes towards sex though, curiosity is also best applied when managing reactions to something our partner may be suggesting. If during a sexual negotiation your partner suggests something that makes you uncomfortable, try being curious about both the act being proposed and about your feelings around it. Why are you opposed to the idea of trying this new thing? Why are you feeling triggered that it was suggested? Could you be feeling threatened because there’s a deeper emotional issue going on? Try approaching these scenarios with curiosity instead of judgment and see what exciting new paths you discover.
When we are curious we notice our feelings without judging our feelings. Adopting a curious attitude leaves room for growth that otherwise cannot blossom. Leave your judgment at the door.
Exercise: Play the “what if” game with your partner, or yourself. Try a few “would you rather” questions and see where it takes you. Check out lists of good questions to ask on Pintrest likes these ones:
Exploration is curiosity’s cousin. One rarely goes without the other! However, curiosity is innate, exploration takes courage. It’s one thing to wonder about what it’s like over there, it’s another thing to take a walk “over there” and check it out for yourself! Curiosity is about attitude, exploration is about action. Adopting a curious attitude to explore new things makes life (and sex!) more fun. After all, how can you get really clear about what you like without knowing what you really don’t like? Think about how you try to coax a child to try a new food they are convinced they do not like (but they have never tried). What kinds of things do you say? How do you know you don’t like it if you’ve never tried it? Right? What I have found in my own experience, is that the IDEA of something may have been undesirable, even off-putting to talk about, but the ACT itself was very cathartic. Do not mistake thinking about something with doing it. You do not know how something is going to feel for you until you actually do it. When you are exploring new activities by yourself or with your partner(s) remember to keep a curious attitude about what you are experiencing. How is this feeling for you? Why do you like it? Why do you not like it? What about this sensation or feeling is making you feel a certain way? Where are you experiencing sensation in your body? Where does your mind go? Are you able to stay present in your body or does your mind wander? Why is that? What brings you into your body and what makes you want to leave your body? Looking for understanding while you explore is part of learning about your sexual self. Remember, that how you feel about something may change over time. Just as your tastes change as you mature, with food and music and clothing so can your tastes for different sexual activities. Just because you tried something once a few years ago doesn’t mean it will feel the same way for you now. Be open to exploring new ways of playing with yourself and others, it might surprise and delight you.
Exercise: Try taking an anonymous survey to see what results come up for your sexual preferences. Try playing truth or dare with your partner. Follow through on the activities, set up a date night or experiment night. Set time aside to explore.
Willingness to learn is the final step in taking the leap into the unknown territory that harbors your desires. You can be curious, explore new sides of yourself, but if you aren’t willing to learn from what you discover there what is the point? Be open to the information your body has for you (adopt a curious attitude!) be open to the information your partner may now be sharing with you (judgment free zone!) and be open to learning new ways of thinking, feeling, and connecting. We’ve listed a few resource suggestions here, which barely scratches the surface of what is available out there. Take a kink class. Go to a sex party. Look up your local events. Read a book on the erotic subject that interests you. See what experts have to say. Find people who have experienced what you’re looking into and ask them questions. Most sex positive people I know are more than willing to give their opinion to discuss navigating erotic adventures. Learning new things about yourself and your partner keeps desire alive within your relationship. It’s part of what makes healthy long lasting relationships work so well. Allow space for new things to enter into the equation and you’ll never feel bored with your sex life again. There’s a saying in the kink community, “Don’t yuck on somebody else’s yum”. Allowing the space for others’ sexual preferences, even if it’s not something you particularly fancy, in turn allows the space for you to be free to explore who you want to be and how you want to feel, in which way you want to feel it. Sexual freedom is a basic human right we all deserve. Too often we don’t even allow for this with our own partners or ourselves, let alone within our communities. Be willing to learn about new ways of experiencing your body, about new ways of looking at ideas, concepts and activities that seem foreign to you. Be willing to learn about why it might work for others even if it doesn’t work for you. Through this curious exploration and willingness to learn we allow our sexual selves complete and full expression. Nothing is more satisfying than that.
Exercise: Go through the Human Sexual Map and pin your interests then swap maps with your partner.
Here’s the bottom line folks; there are a million and one different ways to explore sexual frontiers. What you want to dive into might be different from your neighbour, your partner, and potentially even different from what YOU wanted yesterday, last month or last year. Keep in mind, your sexuality can be a fluid state, it changes and grows with you, if you let it. By adopting a curious attitude, exploring new ideas and activities and being willing to learn about these new discoveries, inside and out, you can create the space for truly engaging, authentic and deeply passionate sexual expression. And trust me when I tell you, the release that comes along with that is worth ten times the effort.

This blog post was written and contributed by:

Joslyn Nerdahl
IG: mojomediator
Twitter: @mojomediator
Be sure to follow and check out her amazing work.

GOT SEX GOALS?

Allow yourself to be creative & playful on your sexual journey!

BECOMING YOUR AUTHENTIC SEXUAL SELF. These words are in bold because you came to this blog, or the Becoming Your Authentic Sexual Self program for a reason. I’m going to ask you to go back and read the bold words again but this time, take notice; when you read the bold letters on the screen, what does your mind chatter say to you? What feelings begin to arise? How does your body feel in that moment while reading the phrase? Do you notice an energy shift in your mood? Lastly, do an internal check-in. How does your core essence respond?
In the “Becoming Your Authentic Sexual Self” program we call feelings “emotional charges”. I’m going to ask you to pay close attention to your feelings as you read that phrase. Do you feel excitement, shame, guilt, curiosity, or simply nothing at all? How does your body respond? Do you feel your body tighten? Do you feel turned on at the thought of letting loose and becoming one hundred percent yourself; mentally, physically, spiritually and SEXUALLY? Most people work on taking positive steps toward self-growth and development mentally, physically, and spiritually but how often do we work on our sexuality? We work on our bodies, we work to stay fit. We work on career goals that we believe will bring us financial freedom and happiness. We also work on relationship goals and give ourselves timelines as to when we wish to see these goals come into fruition. However, how many people do you ever hear setting out to work on their “sexual goals” and taking the necessary steps to set them in motion? Honestly, how many of us even know what it means to set “sexual goals” for ourselves?
How many of us truly know our bodies enough to know what we find pleasurable? How many of us explore this daily as much as we do with our nutrition, fitness, career, and relationship goals? How many of us would even know where to begin in doing so?
I’m willing to assume a large majority of people have not yet taken an active role in their “sexual story” and its positive development, aside from masturbating for quick release and going through the motions of the “act” of sex.
In the first couple “Becoming Your Authentic Sexual Self” blog posts I have been working through Jack Annons PLISSIT model used by many Sexologists. Participants in the “Becoming Your Authentic Sexual Self” program have worked through Principle One of the B.Y.A.S.S. Program, Love and Know Thyself. Although most of you reading this are not Sexologists, the blog posts you find here along with the B.Y.A.S.S program can be used as self-guide in a “non-clinical” manner to help you work towards your body image & sex goals. Our Second Principle is Knowing Your Worth & Purpose. In Annon’s model, the (P) for permission says to me: You are worthy of enjoying sexual pleasure, your BODY is worthy of love, adoration, pleasurable sensation at any size, you can explore this pleasure and, most importantly, YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE for your pleasure, your orgasm. Your orgasm comes from allowing yourself to experience it. The (LI) varies from person to person but for myself, I based my worth and my value on the numbers on the scale for many years. In my negative mind chatter, I was not “worthy” of sexual pleasure until I weighed a certain weight and looked a certain way.
This, of course, hurt a lot of my relationships and did not allow me to always enjoy sex. Sex, relationships, and connections are a huge part of our human experience. How can we become whole beings if we choose to ignore and shame one facet of our existence? Most people believe that everyone walking this earth has a purpose. Hopefully, we can recognize our purpose and act for the greater good of humanity. So HOW can we be fully serving this purpose by not KNOWING all of ourselves and blocking out aspects of our humanity, because we have been indoctrinated into a culture that shames humanity for its very conception?

If you are here, you want to change that. You want to reframe the perception and honor your whole being. Here are two suggestions for this week to help get you started. These two can be done at the same time or broken up:
Mirror & Sensual touch exercise- for a couple minutes each day, stand naked in front of a mirror. Have some oil or lotion on hand for your body and lube ready for #2. Examine your body, begin from your head working your way down, and verbally tell each part of the body how much you love it. You can even add how hot or sexy it is, then express why you are appreciative of that area and say thank you. Example: I love my hair. For the first time in years, I have no hair dye on it and I love the way it looks in its natural state. Thank you for allowing me to do so many fun styles that go with my ever-changing moods (lol). When done with your body admiration exercise, grab your oil/lotion and begin to apply it to your body, taking your time to massage it into your skin. Play around with your touch from gentle to applying more pressure. Begin to focus on your more sensitive areas, where you are feeling more pleasure and arousal.

     Daily masturbation practice for one week- this is important on so many levels. First being that if you’re female, you probably have been told a slew of reasons to avoid self-pleasure or to “keep your legs crossed”. For males, it’s typically done for quick release and not to really learn extended techniques to prolong pleasure or how to have multiple orgasms. To break the mental, body, shame, and rushed mentalities this exercise is to be done not quickly but with mindful attention, like meditation. It would be easiest to be done directly after exercise 1. For women, doing both exercises in conjunction can help with allowing time for appreciation of the entire body, connecting mind and body with her pussy as PART of her body, a very real part that has no reason for shame. The more she becomes comfortable with touching herself, the more she will open up sexually. For a man, slowing down during masturbation, incorporating more overall body touch, sensation play, and body appreciation can help with being more present during masturbation as well as partnered sex by becoming aware of the stages in his “arousal” cycle prior to orgasm.
The point here is that there is no better time to begin your sexual journey than now. Constructing your very own road map and actively seeking out the tools that will help guide you on an adventurous path while traveling through life is very important. BUT, you must give yourself permission, ditch limiting beliefs that are not conducive of your soul’s entire growth and its development. You must be open to explore pleasure within boundaries you set for yourself. It’s very much the same as if you were to start a nutrition and fitness program but with a sexy twist!